I shall not occupy my time by discussing the
huge mass of additional suppositions, conjectures
and probabilities respecting the first discovery of
this country, with which unhappy historians over-
load themselves, in their endeavours to satisfy the
doubts of an incredulous world. It is painful to
see these laborious wights panting and toiling, and
sweating under an enormous burthen, at the very
outset of their works, which on being opened, turns
out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw.
As, however, by unwearied assiduity, they seem to
have established the fact, to the satisfaction of all
the world, that this country has been discovered,
I shall avail myself of their useful labours to be
extremely brief upon this point.

   I shall not therefore stop to enquire, whether
America was first discovered by a wandering ves-
sel of that celebrated Phoenecian fleet, which, ac-
cording to Herodotus, circumnavigated Africa; or
by that Carthagenian expedition, which Pliny, the
naturalist, informs us, discovered the Canary Isl-
ands; or whether it was settled by a temporary
colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Sene-
ca. I shall neither enquire whether it was first
discovered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great
shrewdness advances, nor by the Norwegians in
1002, under Biorn; nor by Behem, the German
navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavoured to prove
to the Sçavans of the learned city of Philadelphia.

SMALL | MEDIUM

   Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims
of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince
Madoc in the eleventh century, who having never
returned, it has since been wisely concluded that
he must have gone to America, and that for a plain
reason -- if he did not go there, where else could he
have gone? -- a question which most Socratically
shuts out all further dispute.

   Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures
above mentioned, with a multitude of others, equal-
ly satisfactory, I shall take for granted, the vulgar
opinion that America was discovered on the 12th
of October, 1492, by Christovallo Colon, a Geno-
ese, who has been clumsily nick-named Columbus,
but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the voy-
ages and adventures of this Colon, I shall say no-
thing, seeing that they are already sufficiently
known. Nor shall I undertake to prove that this
country should have been called Colonia, after his
name, that being notoriously self evident.

   Having thus happily got my readers on this side
of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impa-
tience to enter upon the enjoyment of the land of
promise, and in full expectation that I will imme-
diately deliver it into their possession. But if I
do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of a regular
bred historian. No -- no -- most curious and thrice
learned readers, (for thrice learned ye are if ye
have read all that goes before, and nine times

SMALL | MEDIUM

   In like manner, I have sundry doubts to clear
away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes to ex-
plain, before I permit you to range at random;
but these difficulties, once overcome, we shall be
enabled to jog on right merrily through the rest of
our history. Thus my work shall, in a manner,
echo the nature of the subject, in the same manner
as the sound of poetry has been found by certain
shrewd critics, to echo the sense -- this being an
improvement in history, which I claim the merit
of having invented.

SMALL | MEDIUM

   Bless us! -- what a hard life we historians have
of it, who undertake to satisfy the doubts of the
world! -- Here have I been toiling and moiling
through three pestiferous chapters, and my readers
toiling and moiling at my heels; up early and to
bed late, poring over worm-eaten, obsolete, good-
for-nothing books, and cultivating the acquaintance
of a thousand learned authors, both ancient and
modern, who, to tell the honest truth, are the stu-
pidest companions in the world -- and after all,
what have we got by it? -- Truly the mighty valua-
ble conclusion, that this country does actually ex-
ist, and has been discovered; a self-evident fact
not worth a hap'worth of gingerbread. And what
is worse, we seem just as far off from the city of
New York now, as we were at first. Now for my-
self, I would not care the value of a brass button,
being used to this dull and learned company; but
I feel for my unhappy readers, who seem most
woefully jaded and fatigued.

SMALL | MEDIUM

   Still, however, we have formidable difficulties
to encounter, since it yet remains, if possible, to
shew how this country was originally peopled --
a point fruitful of incredible embarrassment, to us
scrupulous historians, but absolutely indispensable
to our works. For unless we prove that the Abo-
rigines did absolutely come from some where, it
will be immediately asserted in this age of scepti-
cism, that they did not come at all; and if they did
not come at all, then was this country never popu-
lated -- a conclusion perfectly agreeable to the rules
of logic, but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling
of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogistically
prove fatal to the innumerable Aborigines of this
populous region.

   To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from
logical annihilation so many millions of fellow crea-
tures, how many wings of geese have been plun-
dered! what oceans of ink have been benevolently
drained! and how many capacious heads of learn-
ed historians have been addled and forever con-
founded! I pause with reverential awe, when I
contemplate the ponderous tomes in different lan-
guages, with which they have endeavoured to solve
this question, so important to the happiness of so-
ciety, but so involved in clouds of impenetrable
obscurity. Historian after historian has engaged
in the endless circle of hypothetical argument, and
after leading us a weary chace through octavos,

SMALL | MEDIUM

   But come my lusty readers, let us address our-
selves to our task and fall vigorously to work upon
the remaining rubbish that lies in our way; but I
warrant, had master Hercules, in addition to his
seven labours, been given as an eighth to write a
genuine American history, he would have been
fain to abandon the undertaking, before he got over
the threshold of his work.

   Of the claims of the children of Noah to the
original population of this country I shall say
nothing, as they have already been touched upon
in my last chapter. The claimants next in cele-
brity, are the decendants of Abraham. Thus
Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbus) when
he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola
immediately concluded, with a shrewdness that
would have done honour to a philosopher, that he
had found the ancient Ophir, from whence Solo-
mon procured the gold for embellishing the tem-

SMALL | MEDIUM

   So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fas-
cinating extravagance, was too tempting not to be
immediately snapped at by the gudgeons of learn-
ing, and accordingly, there were a host of profound
writers, ready to swear to its correctness, and to
bring in their usual load of authorities, and wise
surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vetablus and
Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more
clear -- Arius Montanus without the least hesita-
tion asserts that Mexico was the true Ophir, and
the Jews the early settlers of the country. While
Possevin, Becan, and a host of other sagacious
writers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth
book of Esdras, which being inserted in the mighty
hypothesis, like the key stone of an arch, gives it,
in their opinion, perpetual durability.

   Scarce however, have they completed their
goodly superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of
opposite authors, with Hans de Laet the great
Dutchman at their head, and at one blow, tumbles
the whole fabric about their ears. Hans in fact,
contradicts outright all the Israelitish claims to the
first settlement of this country, attributing all those
equivocal symptoms, and traces of Christianity and
Judaism, which have been said to be found in di-
vers provinces of the new world, to the Devil, who

SMALL | MEDIUM

   Some writers again, among whom it is with
great regret I am compelled to mention Lopez de
Gomara, and Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Ca-
naanites, being driven from the land of promise by
the Jews, were seized with such a panic, that they
fled without looking behind them, until stopping
to take breath they found themselves safe in Ame-
rica. As they brought neither their national lan-
guage, manners nor features, with them, it is sup-
posed they left them behind in the hurry of their
flight -- I cannot give my faith to this opinion.

   I pass over the supposition of the learned Gro-
tius, who being both an ambassador and a Dutch-
man to boot, is entitled to great respect; that
North America, was peopled by a strolling com-
pany of Norwegians, and that Peru was founded
by a colonyfrom China -- Manco or Mungo Capac,
the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. Nor shall
I more than barely mention that father Kircher,
ascribes the settlement of America to the Egypti-
ans, Budbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the
Gauls, Juffredus Petri to a skaiting party from
Friesland, Milius to the Celtæ, Marinocus the Si-

SMALL | MEDIUM

cilian to the Romans, Le Compte to the Phoenici-
ans, Postel to the Moors, Martyn d'Angleria to the
Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise of De
Laet, that England, Ireland and the Orcades may
contend for that honour.

   Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit
to the idea that America is the fairy region of Zi-
pangri, described by that dreaming traveller Marco
Polo the Venetian; or that it comprizes the vision-
ary island of Atlantis, described by Plato. Neither
will I stop to investigate the heathenish assertion of
Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe was
originally furnished with an Adam and Eve. Or
the more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne sup-
ported by many nameless authorities, that Adam
was of the Indian race -- or the startling conjecture
of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin, so highly ho-
nourable to mankind, and peculiarly complimentary
to the French nation, that the whole human species
are accidentally descended from a remarkable fami-
ly of monkies!

   This last conjecture, I must own, came upon
me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I have
often beheld the clown in a pantomime, while gaz-
ing in stupid wonder at the extravagant gambols
of a harlequin, all at once electrified by a sudden
stroke of the wooden sword across his shoulders.
Little did I think at such times, that it would ever
fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy,

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and that while I was quietly beholding these grave
philosophers, emulating the excentric transforma-
tions of the parti-coloured hero of pantomime, they
would on a sudden turn upon me and my readers,
and with one flourish of their conjectural wand,
metamorphose us into beasts! I determined from
that moment not to burn my fingers with any more
of their theories, but content myself with detailing
the different methods by which they transported the
descendants of these ancient and respectable mon-
keys, to this great field of theoretical warfare.

   This was done either by migrations by land or
transmigrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph D'
Acosta enumerates three passages by land, first by
the north of Europe, secondly by the north of Asia
and thirdly by regions southward of the straits of Ma-
gellan. The learned Grotius marches his Norwe-
gians by a pleasant route across frozen rivers and
arms of the sea, through Iceland, Greenland, Es-
totiland and Naremberga. And various writers,
among whom are Angleria, De Hornn and Buffon,
anxious for the acommodation of these travellers,
have fastened the two continents together by a
strong chain of deductions -- by which means they
could pass over dry shod. But should even this
fail, Pinkerton, that industrious old gentleman, who
compiles books and manufactures Geographies, and
who erst flung away his wig and cane, frolicked
like a naughty boy, and committed a thousand

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SMALL | MEDIUM
etourderies, among the petites filles of Paris¹⁰ --
he I say, has constructed a natural bridge of ice,
from continent to continent, at the distance of four
or five miles from Behring's straits -- for which he
is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the wander-
ing aborigines who ever did, or ever will pass over
it.

   It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of
the worthy writers above quoted, could ever com-
mence his work, without immediately declaring hos-
tilities against every writer who had treated of the
same subject. In this particular, authors may be
compared to a certain sagacious bird, which in build-
ing its nest, is sure to pull to pieces the nests of all
the birds in its neighbourhood. This unhappy pro-
pensity tends grievously to impede the progress of
sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle
productions, and when once committed to the stream,
they should take care that like the notable pots
which were fellow voyagers, they do not crack each
other. But this literary animosity is almost uncon-
querable. Even I, who am of all men the most
candid and liberal, when I sat down to write this
authentic history, did all at once conceive an abso-
lute, bitter and unutterable contempt, a strange and
unimaginable disbelief, a wondrous and most ineffa-
ble scoffing of the spirit, for the theories of the nu-

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SMALL | MEDIUM
merous literati, who have treated before me, of this
country. I called them jolter heads, numsculls,
dunderpates, dom cops, bottericks, domme jordans,
and a thousand other equally indignant appellations.
But when I came to consider the matter coolly and
dispassionately, my opinion was altogether changed.
When I beheld these sages gravely accounting for
unaccountable things, and discoursing thus wisely
about matters forever hidden from their eyes, like
a blind man describing the glories of light, and the
beauty and harmony of colours, I fell back in asto-
nishment at the amazing extent of human ingenuity.

   If -- cried I to myself, these learned men can weave
whole systems out of nothing, what would be their
productions were they furnished with substantial
materials -- if they can argue and dispute thus in-
geniously about subjects beyond their knowledge,
what would be the profundity of their observations,
did they but know what they were talking about!
Should old Radamanthus, when he comes to decide
upon their conduct while on earth, have the least
idea of the usefulness of their labours, he will un-
doubtedly class them with those notorious wise men
of Gotham, who milked a bull, twisted a rope of
sand, and wove a velvet purse from a sow's ear.

   My chief surprise is, that among the many wri-
ters I have noticed, no one has attempted to prove
that this country was peopled from the moon -- or
that the first inhabitants floated hither on islands of

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SMALL | MEDIUM
ice, as white bears cruize about the northern oceans --
or that they were conveyed here by balloons, as modern
æreconauts pass from Dover to Calais -- or by witch-
craft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars -- or
after the manner of the renowned Scythian Abaris,
who like the New England witches on full-blooded
broomsticks, made most unheard of journeys on
the back of a golden arrow, given him by the Hyper-
borean Apollo.

   But there is still one mode left by which this
country could have been peopled, which I have re-
served for the last, because I consider it worth all
the rest, it is -- by accident! Speaking of the islands
of Solomon, New Guinea, and New Holland, the pro-
found father Charlevoix observes, "in fine, all these
countries are peopled, and it is possible, some have
been so by accident. Now if it could have happened
in that manner, why might it not have been at the
same time, and by the same means, with the other parts
of the globe?" This ingenious mode of deducing
certain conclusions from possible premises, is an im-
provement in syllogistic skill, and proves the good
father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn
the world without any thing to rest his lever upon.
It is only surpassed by the dexterity with which the
sturdy old Jesuit, in another place, demolishes the
gordian knot -- "Nothing" says he, "is more easy.
The inhabitants of both hemispheres are certainly the
descendants of the same father. The common father

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SMALL | MEDIUM
of mankind, received an express order from Heaven,
to people the world, and accordingly it has been
peopled. To bring this about, it was necessary to
overcome all difficulties in the way, and they have
also been overcome!" Pious Logician! How does
he put all the herd of laborious theorists to the
blush, by explaining in fair words, what it has cost
them volumes to prove they knew nothing about!

   They have long been picking at the lock, and
fretting at the latch, but the honest father at once
unlocks the door by bursting it open, and when he
has it once a-jar, he is at full liberty to pour in as
many nations as he pleases. This proves to a de-
monstration that a little piety is better than a cart-
load of philosophy, and is a practical illustration of
that scriptural promise -- "By faith ye shall move
mountains."

   From all the authorities here quoted, and a va-
riety of others which I have consulted, but which
are omitted through fear of fatiguing the unlearned
reader -- I can only draw the following conclusions,
which luckily however, are sufficient for my purpose --
First, That this part of the world has actually been
peopled (Q. E. D.) to support which, we have living
proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that inha-
bit it. Secondly, That it has been peopled in five
hundred different ways, as proved by a cloud of au-
thors, who from the positiveness of their assertions
seem to have been eye witnesses to the fact --

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SMALL | MEDIUM
Thirdly, That the people of this country had a va-
riety of fathers, which as it may not be thought
much to their credit by the common run of readers,
the less we say on the subject the better. The ques-
tion therefore, I trust, is forever at rest.

[10] Vide Ed. Review

---

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CHAP. V.
In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the
rout, by the assistance of the Man in the Moon --
which not only delivers thousands of people
from great embarrassment, but likewise con-
cludes this introductory book.

   

SMALL | MEDIUM
The writer of a history may, in some respects,
be likened unto an adventurous knight, who having
undertaken a perilous enterprize, by way of esta-
blishing his fame, feels bound in honour and chi-
valry, to turn back for no difficulty nor hardship,
and never to shrink or quail whatever enemy he
may encounter. Under this impression, I reso-
lutely draw my pen and fall to, with might and
main, at those doughty questions and subtle para-
doxes, which, like fiery dragons and bloody giants,
beset the entrance to my history, and would fain
repulse me from the very threshold. And at this
moment a gigantic question has started up, which
I must take by the beard and utterly subdue, before
I can advance another step in my historick under-
taking -- but I trust this will be the last adversary I
shall have to contend with, and that in the next
book, I shall be enabled to conduct my readers in
triumph into the body of my work.

   The question which has thus suddenly arisen,
is, what right had the first discoverers of America

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SMALL | MEDIUM
to land, and take possession of a country, without
asking the consent of its inhabitants, or yielding
them an adequate compensation for their territory?

   My readers shall now see with astonishment,
how easily I will vanquish this gigantic doubt,
which has so long been the terror of adventurous
writers; which has withstood so many fierce as-
saults, and has given such great distress of mind to
multitudes of kind-hearted folks. For, until this
mighty question is totally put to rest, the worthy
people of America can by no means enjoy the soil
they inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet,
unsullied consciences.

   The first source of right, by which property is
acquired in a country, is DISCOVERY. For as all
mankind have an equal right to any thing, which
has never before been appropriated, so any nation,
that discovers an uninhabited country, and takes
possession thereof, is considered as enjoying full
property, and absolute, unquestionable empire
therein.¹¹

   This proposition being admitted, it follows
clearly, that the Europeans who first visited Ame-
rica, were the real discoverers of the same; nothing
being necessary to the establishment of this fact,
but simply to prove that it was totally uninhabited
by man. This would at first appear to be a point

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SMALL | MEDIUM
of some difficulty, for it is well known, that this
quarter of the world abounded with certain ani-
mals, that walked erect on two feet, had something
of the human countenance, uttered certain unintel-
ligible sounds, very much like language, in short,
had a marvellous resemblance to human beings.
But the host of zealous and enlightened fathers,
who accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose
of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by establish-
ing fat monasteries and bishopricks on earth, soon
cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of
his holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers
and discoverers.

   They plainly proved, and as there were no In-
dian writers arose on the other side, the fact was
considered as fully admitted and established, that
the two legged race of animals before mentioned,
were mere cannibals, detestable monsters, and many
of them giants -- a description of vagrants, that
since the times of Gog, Magog and Goliath, have
been considered as outlaws, and have received no
quarter in either history, chivalry or song; indeed,
even the philosopher Bacon, declared the Ameri-
cans to be people proscribed by the laws of nature,
inasmuch as they had a barbarous custom of sacri-
ficing men, and feeding upon man's flesh.

   Nor are these all the proofs of their utter bar-
barism: among many other writers of discernment,
the celebrated Ulloa tells us "their imbecility is so

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SMALL | MEDIUM
visible, that one can hardly form an idea of them
different from what one has of the brutes. Nothing
disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally insen-
sible to disasters, and to prosperity. Though half
naked, they are as contented as a monarch in his
most splendid array. Fear makes no impression
on them, and respect as little." -- All this is fur-
thermore supported by the authority of M. Bou-
guer. "It is not easy," says he, "to describe the
degree of their indifference for wealth and all its
advantages. One does not well know what mo-
tives to propose to them when one would persuade
them to any service. It is vain to offer them mo-
ney, they answer that they are not hungry." And
Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that
"ambition, they have none, and are more desirous
of being thought strong, than valiant. The objects of
ambition with us, honour, fame, reputation, riches,
posts and distinctions are unknown among them.
So that this powerful spring of action, the cause of
so much seeming good and real evil in the world
has no power over them. In a word, these unhap-
py mortals may be compared to children, in whom
the developement of reason is not completed."

   Now all these peculiarities, though in the un-
enlightened states of Greece, they would have en-
titled their possessors to immortal honour, as
having reduced to practice those rigid and abste-
mious maxims, the mere talking about which, ac-

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quired certain old Greeks the reputation of sages
and philosophers; -- yet were they clearly proved
in the present instance, to betoken a most abject
and brutified nature, totally beneath the human
character. But the benevolent fathers, who had
undertaken to turn these unhappy savages into
dumb beasts, by dint of argument, advanced still
stronger proofs; for as certain divines of the six-
teenth century, and among the rest Lullus affirm --
the Americans go naked, and have no beards! --
"They have nothing," says Lullus, "of the rea-
sonable animal, except the mask." -- And even that
mask was allowed to avail them but little, for it was
soon found that they were of a hideous copper
complexion -- and being of a copper complexion, it
was all the same as if they were negroes -- and ne-
groes are black, "and black" said the pious fathers,
devoutly crossing themselves, "is the colour of the
Devil!" Therefore so far from being able to own
property, they had no right even to personal free-
dom, for liberty is too radiant a deity, to inhabit
such gloomy temples. All which circumstances
plainly convinced the righteous followers of Cortes
and Pizarro, that these miscreants had no title to
the soil that they infested -- that they were a per-
verse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, bare-bottomed
black-seed -- mere wild beasts of the forests, and like
them should either be subdued or exterminated.

   From the foregoing arguments therefore, and a

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SMALL | MEDIUM
host of others equally conclusive, which I forbear
to enumerate, it was clearly evident, that this fair
quarter of the globe when first visited by Eu-
ropeans, was a howling wilderness, inhabited by no-
thing but wild beasts; and that the trans-atlantic
visitors acquired an incontrovertable property there-
in, by the right of Discovery.

   This right being fully established, we now
come to the next, which is the right acquired by
cultivation. "The cultivation of the soil" we are
told "is an obligation imposed by nature on man
"kind. The whole world is appointed for the
"nourishment of its inhabitants; but it would be
"incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every
"nation is then obliged by the law of nature to
"cultivate the ground that has fallen to its share.
"Those people like the ancient Germans and mo
"dern Tartars, who having fertile countries, disdain
"to cultivate the earth, and choose to live by rapine,
"are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be ex
"terminated as savage and pernicious beasts."¹²

   Now it is notorious, that the savages knew no-
thing of agriculture, when first discovered by the
Europeans, but lived a most vagabond, disorderly,
unrighteous life, -- rambling from place to place, and
prodigally rioting upon the spontaneous luxuries of
nature, without tasking her generosity to yield

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them any thing more; whereas it has been most
unquestionably shewn, that heaven intended the
earth should be ploughed and sown, and manured,
and laid out into cities and towns and farms, and
country seats, and pleasure grounds, and public
gardens, all which the Indians knew nothing about
-- therefore they did not improve the talents pro-
vidence had bestowed on them -- therefore they
were careless stewards -- therefore they had no
right to the soil -- therefore they deserved to be ex-
terminated.

   It is true the savages might plead that they
drew all the benefits from the land which their sim-
ple wants required -- they found plenty of game to
hunt, which together with the roots and uncultivat-
ed fruits of the earth, furnished a sufficient variety
for their frugal table; -- and that as heaven merely
designed the earth to form the abode, and satisfy
the wants of man; so long as those purposes were
answered, the will of heaven was accomplished. --
But this only proves how undeserving they were
of the blessings around them -- they were so much
the more savages, for not having more wants; for
knowledge is in some degree an increase of desires,
and it is this superiority both in the number and
magnitude of his desires, that distinguishes the
man from the beast. Therefore the Indians, in
not having more wants, were very unreasonable
animals; and it was but just that they should make

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way for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants
to their one, and therefore would turn the earth to
more account, and by cultivating it, more truly
fulfil the will of heaven. Besides -- Grotius and
Lauterbach, and Puffendorff and Titius and a
host of wise men besides, who have considered the
matter properly, have determined, that the proper-
ty of a country cannot be acquired by hunting, cut-
ting wood, or drawing water in it -- nothing but
precise demarcation of limits, and the intention of
cultivation, can establish the possession. Now as
the savages (probably from never having read the
authors above quoted) had never complied with
any of these necessary forms, it plainly follows
that they had no right to the soil, but that it was
completely at the disposal of the first comers, who
had more knowledge and more wants than them-
selves -- who would portion out the soil, with chur-
lish boundaries; who would torture nature to pam-
per a thousand fantastic humours and capricious
appetites; and who of course were far more ra-
tional animals than themselves. In entering upon
a newly discovered, uncultivated country there-
fore, the new comers were but taking possession
of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was
their own property -- therefore in opposing them, the
savages were invading their just rights, infringing
the immutable laws of nature and counteracting the
will of heaven -- therefore they were guilty of im-

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piety, burglary and trespass on the case, -- therefore
they were hardened offenders against God and
man -- therefore they ought to be exterminated.

   But a more irresistible right then either that I
have mentioned, and one which will be the most
readily admitted by my reader, provided he is
blessed with bowels of charity and philanthropy, is
the right acquired by civilization. All the world
knows the lamentable state in which these poor sa-
vages were found. Not only deficient in the com-
forts of life, but what is still worse, most piteously
and unfortunately blind to the miseries of their si-
tuation. But no sooner did the benevolent inhabi-
tants of Europe behold their sad condition than they
immediately went to work to ameliorate and improve
it. They introduced among them the comforts of life,
consisting of rum, gin and brandy -- and it is astonish-
ing to read how soon the poor savages learnt to es-
timate these blessings -- they likewise made known
to them a thousand remedies, by which the most
inveterate diseases are alleviated and healed, and
that they might comprehend the benefits and enjoy
the comforts of these medicines, they previously
introduced among them the diseases, which they
were calculated to cure. By these and a variety of
other methods was the condition of these poor sa-
vages, wonderfully improved; they acquired a
thousand wants, of which they had before been ig-
norant, and as he has most sources of happiness,

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SMALL | MEDIUM
who has most wants to be gratified, they were
doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of beings.

   But the most important branch of civilization,
and which has most strenuously been extolled,
by the zealous and pious fathers of the Roman
Church, is the introduction of the Christian faith.
It was truly a sight that might well inspire horror,
to behold these savages, stumbling among the dark
mountains of paganism, and guilty of the most hor-
rible ignorance of religion. It is true, they neither
stole nor defrauded, they were sober, frugal, conti-
nent, and faithful to their word; but though they
acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they
acted so from precept. The new comers therefore
used every method, to induce them to embrace and
practice the true religion -- except that of setting
them the example.

   But notwithstanding all these complicated la-
bours for their good, such was the unparalleled ob-
stinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they ungrate-
fully refused, to acknowledge the strangers as
their benefactors, and persisted in disbelieving the
doctrines they endeavoured to inculcate; most inso-
lently alledging, that from their conduct, the advo-
cates of Christianity did not seem to believe in it them-
selves. Was not this too much forhum an patience?
-- would not one suppose, that the foreign emigrants
from Europe, provoked at their incredulity and
discouraged by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would

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SMALL | MEDIUM
forever have abandoned their shores, and consigned
them to their original ignorance and misery? -- But
no -- so zealous were they to effect the temporal
comfort and eternal salvation of these pagan infi-
dels, that they even proceeded from the milder
means of persuasion, to the more painful and trou-
blesome one of persecution -- Let loose among
them, whole troops of fiery monks and furious
blood-hounds -- purified them by fire and sword,
by stake and faggot; in consequence of which in-
defatigable measures, the cause of Christian love
and charity were so rapidly advanced, that in a very
few years, not one fifth of the number of unbelievers
existed in South America, that were found there at
the time of its discovery.

   Nor did the other methods of civilization remain
uninforced. The Indians improved daily and won-
derfully by their intercourse with the whites. They
took to drinking rum, and making bargains. They
learned to cheat, to lie, to swear, to gamble, to
quarrel, to cut each others throats, in short, to ex-
cel in all the accomplishments that had originally
marked the superiority of their Christian visitors.
And such a surprising aptitude have they shewn for
these acquirements, that there is very little doubt
that in a century more, provided they survive so
long, the irrisistible effects of civilization; they
will equal in knowledge, refinement, knavery, and

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SMALL | MEDIUM
debauchery, the most enlightened, civilized and
orthodox nations of Europe.

   What stronger right need the European settlers
advance to the country than this. Have not whole
nations of uninformed savages been made acquaint-
ed with a thousand imperious wants and indispen-
sible comforts of which they were before wholly
ignorant -- Have they not been literally hunted and
smoked out of the dens and lurking places of igno-
rance and infidelity, and absolutely scourged into
the right path. Have not the temporal things, the
vain baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which
were too apt to engage their worldly and selfish
thoughts, been benevolently taken from them; and
have they not in lieu thereof, been taught to set
their affections on things above -- And finally, to use
the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a letter
to his superior in Spain -- "Can any one have the
"presumption to say, that these savage Pagans,
"have yielded any thing more than an inconsidera
"ble recompense to their benefactors; in surren
"dering to them a little pitiful tract of this dirty
"sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious inhe
"ritance in the kingdom of Heaven!"

   Here then are three complete and undeniable
sources of right established, any one of which was
more than ample to establish a property in the newly
discovered regions of America. Now, so it has
happened in certain parts of this delightful quarter

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SMALL | MEDIUM
of the globe, that the right of discovery has been
so strenuously asserted -- the influence of cultiva-
tion so industriously extended, and the progress of
salvation and civilization so zealously prosecuted,
that, what with their attendant wars, persecutions,
oppressions, diseases, and other partial evils that
often hang on the skirts of great benefits -- the sa-
vage aborigines have, some how or another, been
utterly annihilated -- and this all at once brings me
to a fourth right, which is worth all the others put
together -- For the original claimants to the soil
bring all dead and buried, and no one remaining to
inherit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards as the next
immediate occupants entered upon the possession,
as clearly as the hang-man succeeds to the clothes
of the malefactor -- and as they have Blackstone,¹³
and all the learned expounders of the law on their
side, they may set all actions of ejectment at de-
fiance -- and this last right may be entitled, the RIGHT
BY EXTERMINATION, or in other words, the RIGHT
BY GUNPOWDER.

   But lest any scruples of conscience should re-
main on this head, and to settle the question of right
forever, his holiness Pope Alexander VI, issued
one of those mighty bulls, which bear down reason,
argument and every thing before them; by which
he generously granted the newly discovered quarter

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SMALL | MEDIUM
of the globe, to the Spaniards and Portuguese; who,
thus having law and gospel on their side, and being
inflamed with great spiritual zeal, shewed the Pa-
gan savages neither favour nor affection, but prose-
cuted the work of discovery, colonization, civiliza-
tion, and extermination, with ten times more fury
than ever.

   Thus were the European worthies who first dis-
covered America, clearly entitled to the soil; and
not only entitled to the soil, but likewise to the
eternal thanks of these infidel savages, for having
come so far, endured so many perils by sea and
land, and taken such unwearied pains, for no other
purpose under heaven but to improve their forlorn,
uncivilized and heathenish condition -- for having
made them acquainted with the comforts of life,
such as gin, rum, brandy, and the small-pox; for
having introduced among them the light of religion,
and finally -- for having hurried them out of the
world, to enjoy its reward!

   But as argument is never so well understood by
us selfish mortals, as when it comes home to our-
selves, and as I am particularly anxious that this
question should be put to rest forever, I will sup-
pose a parallel case, by way of arousing the candid
attention of my readers.

   Let us suppose then, that the inhabitants of the
moon, by astonishing advancement in science, and
by a profound insight into that ineffable lunar phi-

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SMALL | MEDIUM
losophy, the mere flickerings of which, have of late
years, dazzled the feeble optics, and addled the
shallow brains of the good people of our globe --
let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the
moon, by these means, had arrived at such a com-
mand of their energies, such an enviable state of
perfectability, as to controul the elements, and navi-
gate the boundless regions of space. Let us sup-
pose a roving crew of these soaring philosophers,
in the course of an ærial voyage of discovery among
the stars, should chance to alight upon this out-
landish planet.

   And here I beg my readers will not have the
impertinence to smile, as is too frequently the fault
of volatile readers, when perusing the grave specu-
lations of philosophers. I am far from indulging
in any sportive vein at present, nor is the supposi-
tion I have been making so wild as many may deem
it. It has long been a very serious and anxious ques-
tion with me, and many a time, and oft, in the course
of my overwhelming cares and contrivances for the
welfare and protection of this my native planet, have
I lain awake whole nights, debating in my mind whe-
ther it was most probable we should first discover and
civilize the moon, or the moon discover and civilize
our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing
in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit
more astonishing and incomprehensible to us, than
was the European mystery of navigating floating

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SMALL | MEDIUM
castles, through the world of waters, to the simple
savages. We have already discovered the art of
coasting along the ærial shores of our planet, by
means of balloons, as the savages had, of venturing
along their sea coasts in canoes; and the disparity
between the former, and the ærial vehicles of the
philosophers from the moon, might not be greater,
than that, between the bark canoes of the savages,
and the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might
here pursue an endless chain of very curious, pro-
found and unprofitable speculations; but as they
would be unimportant to my subject, I abandon
them to my reader, particularly if he is a philoso-
pher, as matters well worthy his attentive consider-
ation.

   To return then to my supposition -- let us sup-
pose that the aerial visitants I have mentioned, pos-
sessed of vastly superior knowledge to ourselves;
that is to say, possessed of superior knowledge in the
art of extermination -- riding on Hypogriffs, de-
fended with impenetrable armour -- armed with
concentrated sun beams, and provided with vast
engines, to hurl enormous moon stones: in short,
let us suppose them, if our vanity will permit the
supposition, as superior to us in knowledge, and
consequently in power, as the Europeans were to
the Indians, when they first discovered them. All
this is very possible, it is only our self-sufficiency,
that makes us think otherwise; and I warrant the

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SMALL | MEDIUM
poor savages, before they had any knowledge of the
white men, armed in all the terrors of glittering
steel and tremendous gun-powder, were as per-
fectly convinced that they themselves, were the
wisest, the most virtuous, powerful and perfect of
created beings, as are, at this present moment, the
lordly inhabitants of old England, the volatile popu-
lace of France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of
this most enlightened republick.

   Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voya-
gers, finding this planet to be nothing but a howling
wilderness, inhabited by us, poor savages and wild
beasts, shall take formal possession of it, in the
name of his most gracious and philosophic excel-
lency, the man in the moon. Finding however,
that their numbers are incompetent to hold it in
complete subjection, on account of the ferocious
barbarity of its inhabitants; they shall take our
worthy President, the King of England, the Empe-
ror of Hayti, the mighty little Bonaparte, and the
great King of Bantam, and returning to their na-
tive planet, shall carry them to court, as were the
Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the courts
of Europe.

   Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of
the court requires, they shall address the puissant
man in the moon, in, as near as I can conjecture,
the following terms:

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SMALL | MEDIUM

   "Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose do-
minions extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth
on the Great Bear, useth the sun as a looking
glass and maintaineth unrivalled controul over
tides, madmen and sea-crabs. We thy liege sub-
jects have just returned from a voyage of discovery,
in the course of which we have landed and taken
possession of that obscure little scurvy planet,
which thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The
five uncouth monsters, which we have brought
into this august presence, were once very important
chiefs among their fellow savages; for the inha-
bitants of the newly discovered globe are totally
destitute of the common attributes of humanity,
inasmuch as they carry their heads upon their
shoulders, instead of under their arms -- have two
eyes instead of one -- are utterly destitute of tails,
and of a variety of unseemly complexions, particu-
larly of a horrible whiteness -- whereas all the in-
habitants of the moon are pea green!

   We have moreover found these miserable sa-
vages sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and
depravity, every man shamelessly living with his
own wife, and rearing his own children, instead of
indulging in that community of wives, enjoined
by the law of nature, as expounded by the philoso-
phers of the moon. In a word they have scarcely
a gleam of true philosophy among them, but are in
fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses and barbarians.

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SMALL | MEDIUM
Taking compassion therefore on the sad condition
of these sublunary wretches, we have endeavour-
ed, while we remained on their planet, to introduce
among them the light of reason -- and the comforts
of the moon. -- We have treated them to mouthfuls
of moonshine and draughts of nitrous oxyde, which
they swallowed with incredible voracity, particular-
ly the females; and we have likewise endeavour-
ed to instil into them the precepts of lunar Philoso-
phy. We have insisted upon their renouncing the
contemptable shackles of religion and common
sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent, and
all perfect energy, and the extatic, immutable, im-
moveable perfection. But such was the unparallel-
ed obstinacy of these wretched savages, that they
persisted in cleaving to their wives and adhering to
their religion, and absolutely set at naught the sub-
lime doctrines of the moon -- nay, among other
abominable heresies they even went so far as
blasphemously to declare, that this ineffable planet
was made of nothing more nor less than green
cheese!"

   At these words, the great man in the moon ( be-
ing a very profound philosopher) shall fall into a
terrible passion, and possessing equal authority
over things that do not belong to him, as did
whilome his holiness the Pope, shall forthwith issue
a formidable bull, -- specifying, "That -- whereas a
certain crew of Lunatics have lately discovered and

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SMALL | MEDIUM
taken possession of that little dirty planet, called the
carth -- and that whereas it is inhabited by none but
a race of two legged animals, that carry their heads
on their shoulders instead of under their arms; can-
not talk the lunatic language; have two eyes in-
stead of one; are destitute of tails, and of a horri-
ble whiteness, instead of pea green -- therefore and
for a variety of other excellent reasons -- they are
considered incapable of possessing any property in
the planet they infest, and the right and title to it
are confirmed to its original discoverers. -- And fur-
thermore, the colonists who are now about to
depart to the aforesaid planet, are authorized
and commanded to use every means to convert
these infidel savages from the darkness of Chris-
tianity, and make them thorough and absolute
lunatics."

   In consequence of this benevolent bull, our phi-
losophic benefactors go to work with hearty zeal.
They sieze upon our fertile territories scourge us
from our rightful possessions, relieve us from our
wives, and when we are unreasonable enough to
complain, they will turn upon us and say -- misera-
ble barbarians! ungrateful wretches! -- have we not
come thousands of miles to improve your worthless
planet -- have we not fed you with moon shine --
have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxyde --
does not our moon give you light every night and
have you the baseness to murmur, when we claim

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SMALL | MEDIUM
a pitiful return for all these benefits? But finding
that we not only persist in absolute contempt to their
reasoning and disbelief in their philosophy, but
even go so far as daringly to defend our property,
their patience shall be exhausted, and they shall
resort to their superior powers of argument -- hunt
us with hypogriffs, transfix us with concentrated
sun-beams, demolish our cities with moonstones;
until having by main force, converted us to the
true faith, they shall graciously permit us to exist
in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the frozen re-
gions of Lapland, there to enjoy the blessings of
civilization and the charms of lunar philosophy --
in much the same manner as the reformed and en-
lightened savages of this country, are kindly suf-
fered to inhabit the inhospitable forests of the
north, or the impenetrable wildernesses of South
America.

   Thus have I clearly proved, and I hope strik-
ingly illustrated, the right of the early colonists to
the possession of this country -- and thus is this gi-
gantic question, completely knocked in the head --
so having manfully surmounted all obstacles, and
subdued all opposition, what remains but that I
should forthwith conduct my impatient and way-
worn readers, into the renowned city, which we
have so long been in a manner besieging. -- But
hold, before I proceed another step, I must pause
to take breath and recover from the excessive fa-

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SMALL | MEDIUM
tigue I have undergone, in preparing to begin this
most accurate of histories. And in this I do but
imitate the example of the celebrated Hans Von
Dunderbottom, who took a start of three miles for
the purpose of jumping over a hill, but having been
himself out of breath by the time he reached the
foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments
to blow, and then walked over it at his leisure.

END OF BOOK I.

[11] Grotius. Puffendorf, b. 4. c. 4. Vattel, b. 1. c. 18. et alii.


[12] Vattel -- B.i, ch. 17. See likewise Grotius, Puffendorf, et alii.


[13] Black. Com. B. II, c. i.

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