Shakespeare, William, 1564-1616. Henry IV, Part Two (1623 First Folio Edition)
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Scene iv
1029: Scaena Quarta.
1030: [ Enter two Drawers.]
1031:
1.Drawer.
What hast thou brought there? Apple-Iohns?
1032: Thou know'st Sir Iohn cannot endure an Apple-Iohn.
1033: _
1034:
2.Draw.
Thou say'st true: the Prince once set a Dish
1035: of Apple-Iohns before him, and told him there were fiue
1036: more Sir Iohns: and, putting off his Hat, said, I will now
1037: take my leaue of these sixe drie, round, old-wither'd
1038: Knights. It anger'd him to the heart: but hee hath for-got
1039: that.
1040:
1.Draw.
Why then couer, and set them downe: and
1041: see if thou canst finde out Sneakes Noyse; Mistris Teare-sheet
1042: would faine haue some Musique.
1043:
2.Draw.
Sirrha, heere will be the Prince, and Master
1044: Points, anon: and they will put on two of our Ierkins,
1045: and Aprons, and Sir Iohn must not know of it: Bardolph
1046: hath brought word.
1047:
1.Draw.
Then here will be old Vtis: it will be an ex-cellent
1048: stratagem.
1049:
2.Draw
Ile see if I can finde out Sneake.
[Exit.]
1050: [Enter Hostesse, and Dol.]
1051:
Host.
Sweet-heart, me thinkes now you are in an ex-cellent
1052: good temperalitie: your Pulsidge beates as ex-traordinarily,
1053: as heart would desire; and your Colour
1054: (I warrant you) is as red as any Rose: But you haue
1055: drunke too much Canaries, and that's a maruellous sear-ching
1056: Wine; and it perfumes the blood, ere wee can say
1057: what's this. How doe you now?
1058:
Dol.
Better then I was: Hem.
1059:
Host.
Why that was well said: A good heart's worth
1060: Gold. Looke, here comes Sir Iohn.
1061: [ Enter Falstaffe.]
1062:
Falst.
When Arthur first in Court === (emptie the Iordan)
1063: and was a worthy King: How now Mistris Dol?
1064:
Host.
Sick of a Calme: yea, good-sooth.
1065:
Falst.
So is all her Sect: if they be once in a Calme,
1066: they are sick.
1067:
Dol.
You muddie Rascall, is that all the comfort you
1068: giue me?
1069:
Falst.
You make fat Rascalls, Mistris Dol.
1070:
Dol.
I make them? Gluttonie and Diseases make
1071: them, I make them not.
1072:
Falst.
If the Cooke make the Gluttonie, you helpe to
1073: make the Diseases (Dol) we catch of you (Dol) we catch
1074: of you: Grant that, my poore Vertue, grant that.
1075:
Dol.
I marry, our Chaynes, and our Iewels.
1076:
Falst.
Your Brooches, Pearles, and Owches: For to
1077: serue brauely, is to come halting off: you know, to come
1078: off the Breach, with his Pike bent brauely, and to Surge-rie
1079: brauely; to venture vpon the charg'd-Chambers
1080: brauely.
1081:
Host.
Why this is the olde fashion: you two neuer
1082: meete, but you fall to some discord: you are both (in
1083: good troth) as Rheumatike as two drie Tostes, you can-not
1084: one beare with anothers Confirmities. What the
1085: good-yere? One must beare, and that must bee you:
1086: you are the weaker Vessell; as they say, the emptier
1087: Vessell.
1088:
Dol.
Can a weake emptie Vessell beare such a huge
1089: full Hogs-head? There's a whole Marchants Venture
1090: of Burdeux-Stuffe in him: you haue not seene a Hulke
1091: better stufft in the Hold. Come, Ile be friends with thee
1092: Iacke: Thou art going to the Warres, and whether I
1093: shall euer see thee againe, or no, there is no body
1094: cares.
1095: [ Enter Drawer.]
1096:
Drawer.
Sir, Ancient Pistoll is below, and would
1097: speake with you.
1098:
Dol.
Hang him, swaggering Rascall, let him not
1099: come hither: it is the foule-mouth'dst Rogue in Eng-land.
1100: _
1101:
Host.
If hee swagger, let him not come here: I must
1102: liue amongst my Neighbors, Ile no Swaggerers: I am
1103: in good name, and fame, with the very best: shut the
1104: doore, there comes no Swaggerers heere: I haue not
1105: liu'd all this while, to haue swaggering now: shut the
1106: doore, I pray you.
1107:
Falst.
Do'st thou heare, Hostesse?
1108:
Host.
'Pray you pacifie your selfe (Sir Iohn) there comes
1109: no Swaggerers heere.
1110:
Falst.
Do'st thou heare? it is mine Ancient.
1111:
Host.
Tilly-fally (Sir Iohn) neuer tell me, your ancient
1112: Swaggerer comes not in my doores. I was before Master
1113: Tisick the Deputie, the other day: and as hee said to me,
1114: it was no longer agoe then Wednesday last: Neighbour
1115: Quickly (sayes hee;) Master Dombe, our Minister, was by
1116: then: Neighbour Quickly (sayes hee) receiue those that
1117: are Ciuill; for (sayth hee) you are in an ill Name: now
1118: hee said so, I can tell whereupon: for (sayes hee) you are
1119: an honest Woman, and well thought on; therefore take
1120: heede what Guests you receiue: Receiue (sayes hee) no
1121: swaggering Companions. There comes none heere. You
1122: would blesse you to heare what hee said. No, Ile no
1123: Swaggerers.
1124:
Falst.
Hee's no Swaggerer (Hostesse:) a tame Cheater,
1125: hee: you may stroake him as gently, as a Puppie Grey-hound:
1126: hee will not swagger with a Barbarie Henne, if
1127: her feathers turne backe in any shew of resistance. Call
1128: him vp (Drawer.)
1129:
Host.
Cheater, call you him? I will barre no honest
1130: man my house, nor no Cheater: but I doe not loue swag-gering;
1131: I am the worse when one sayes, swagger: Feele
1132: Masters, how I shake: looke you, I warrant you.
1133:
Dol.
So you doe, Hostesse.
1134:
Host.
Doe I? yea, in very truth doe I, if it were an As-pen
1135: Leafe: I cannot abide Swaggerers.
1136: [ Enter Pistol, and Bardolph and his Boy.]
1137:
Pist.
'Saue you, Sir Iohn.
1138:
Falst.
Welcome Ancient Pistol. Here (Pistol) I charge
1139: you with a Cup of Sacke: doe you discharge vpon mine
1140: Hostesse.
1141:
Pist.
I will discharge vpon her (Sir Iohn) with two
1142: Bullets.
1143:
Falst.
She is Pistoll-proofe (Sir) you shall hardly of-fend
1144: her.
1145:
Host.
Come, Ile drinke no Proofes, nor no Bullets: I
1146: will drinke no more then will doe me good, for no mans
1147: pleasure, I.
1148:
Pist.
Then to you (Mistris Dorothie) I will charge
1149: you.
1150:
Dol.
Charge me? I scorne you (scuruie Companion)
1151: what? you poore, base, rascally, cheating, lacke-Linnen-Mate:
1152: away you mouldie Rogue, away; I am meat for
1153: your Master.
1154:
Pist.
I know you, Mistris Dorothie.
1155:
Dol.
Away you Cut-purse Rascall, you filthy Bung,
1156: away: By this Wine, Ile thrust my Knife in your mouldie
1157: Chappes, if you play the sawcie Cuttle with me. Away
1158: you Bottle-Ale Rascall, you Basket-hilt stale Iugler, you.
1159: Since when, I pray you, Sir? what, with two Points on
1160: your shoulder? much.
1161:
Pist.
I will murther your Ruffe, for this.
1162:
Host.
No, good Captaine Pistol: not heere, sweete
1163: Captaine.
1164:
Dol.
Captaine? thou abhominable damn'd Cheater,
1165: art thou not asham'd to be call'd Captaine? If Captaines
1166: were of my minde, they would trunchion you out, for ta-king
1167: their Names vpon you, before you haue earn'd them.
1168: You a Captaine? you slaue, for what? for tearing a poore
1169: Whores Ruffe in a Bawdy-house? Hee a Captaine? hang
1170: him Rogue, hee liues vpon mouldie stew'd-Pruines, and
1171: dry'de Cakes. A Captaine? These Villaines will make
1172: the word Captaine odious: Therefore Captaines had
1173: neede looke to it.
1174:
Bard.
'Pray thee goe downe, good Ancient.
1175:
Falst.
Hearke thee hither, Mistris Dol.
1176:
Pist.
Not I: I tell thee what, Corporall Bardolph, I
1177: could teare her: Ile be reueng'd on her.
1178:
Page.
'Pray thee goe downe.
1179:
Pist.
Ile see her damn'd first: to Pluto's damn'd Lake,
1180: to the Infernall Deepe, where Erebus and Tortures vilde
1181: also. Hold Hooke and Line, say I: Downe: downe
1182: Dogges, downe Fates: haue wee not Hiren here?
1183:
Host.
Good Captaine Peesel be quiet, it is very late:
1184: I beseeke you now, aggrauate your Choler.
1185:
Pist.
These be good Humors indeede. Shall Pack-Horses,
1186: and hollow-pamper'd Iades of Asia, which can-not
1187: goe but thirtie miles a day, compare with Caesar, and
1188: with Caniballs, and Troian Greekes? nay, rather damne
1189: them with King Cerberus, and let the Welkin roare: shall
1190: wee fall foule for Toyes?
1191:
Host.
By my troth Captaine, these are very bitter
1192: words.
1193:
Bard.
Be gone, good Ancient: this will grow to a
1194: Brawle anon.
1195:
Pist.
Die men, like Dogges; giue Crownes like Pinnes:
1196: Haue we not Hiren here?
1197:
Host.
On my word (Captaine) there's none such here.
1198: What the good-yere, doe you thinke I would denye her?
1199: I pray be quiet.
1200:
Pist.
Then feed, and be fat (my faire Calipolis.) Come,
1201: giue me some Sack, Si fortune me tormente, sperato me con-tente.
1202: Feare wee broad-sides? No, let the Fiend giue fire:
1203: Giue me some Sack: and Sweet-heart lye thou there:
1204: Come wee to full Points here, and are et cetera's no-thing?
1205: _
1206:
Fal.
Pistol, I would be quiet.
1207:
Pist.
Sweet Knight, I kisse thy Neaffe: what? wee haue
1208: seene the seuen Starres.
1209:
Dol.
Thrust him downe stayres, I cannot endure such
1210: a Fustian Rascall.
1211:
Pist.
Thrust him downe stayres? know we not Gallo-way
1212: Nagges?
1213:
Fal.
Quoit him downe (Bardolph) like a shoue-groat
1214: shilling: nay, if hee doe nothing but speake nothing, hee
1215: shall be nothing here.
1216:
Bard.
Come, get you downe stayres.
1217:
Pist.
What? shall wee haue Incision? shall wee em-brew?
1218: then Death rocke me asleepe, abridge my dolefull
1219: dayes: why then let grieuous, gastly, gaping Wounds,
1220: vntwin'd the Sisters three: Come Atropos, I say.
1221:
Host.
Here's good stuffe toward.
1222:
Fal.
Giue me my Rapier, Boy.
1223:
Dol.
I prethee Iack, I prethee doe not draw.
1224:
Fal.
Get you downe stayres.
1225:
Host.
Here's a goodly tumult: Ile forsweare keeping
1226: house, before Ile be in these tirrits, and frights. So: Mur-ther
1227: I warrant now. Alas, alas, put vp your naked Wea-pons,
1228: put vp your naked Weapons.
1229:
Dol.
I prethee Iack be quiet, the Rascall is gone: ah,
1230: you whorson little valiant Villaine, you.
1231:
Host.
Are you not hurt i'th' Groyne? me thought hee
1232: made a shrewd Thrust at your Belly.
1233:
Fal.
Haue you turn'd him out of doores?
1234:
Bard.
Yes Sir: the Rascall's drunke: you haue hurt
1235: him (Sir) in the shoulder.
1236:
Fal.
A Rascall to braue me.
1237:
Dol.
Ah, you sweet little Rogue, you: alas, poore Ape,
1238: how thou sweat'st? Come, let me wipe thy Face: Come
1239: on, you whorson Chops: Ah Rogue, I loue thee: Thou
1240: art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth fiue of Agamem-non,
1241: and tenne times better then the nine Worthies: ah
1242: Villaine.
1243:
Fal.
A rascally Slaue, I will tosse the Rogue in a Blan-ket.
1244: _
1245:
Dol.
Doe, if thou dar'st for thy heart: if thou doo'st,
1246: Ile canuas thee betweene a paire of Sheetes.
1247: [ Enter Musique.]
1248:
Page.
The Musique is come, Sir.
1249:
Fal.
Let them play: play Sirs. Sit on my Knee, Dol.
1250: A Rascall, bragging Slaue: the Rogue fled from me like
1251: Quick-siluer.
1252:
Dol.
And thou followd'st him like a Church: thou
1253: whorson little tydie Bartholmew Bore-pigge, when wilt
1254: thou leaue fighting on dayes, and foyning on nights, and
1255: begin to patch vp thine old Body for Heauen?
1256: [ Enter the Prince and Poines disguis'd.]
1257:
Fal.
Peace (good Dol) doe not speake like a Deaths-head:
1258: doe not bid me remember mine end.
1259:
Dol.
Sirrha, what humor is the Prince of?
1260:
Fal.
A good shallow young fellow: hee would haue
1261: made a good Pantler, hee would haue chipp'd Bread
1262: well.
1263:
Dol.
They say Poines hath a good Wit.
1264:
Fal.
Hee a good Wit? hang him Baboone, his Wit is
1265: as thicke as Tewksburie Mustard: there is no more con-ceit
1266: in him, then is in a Mallet.
1267:
Dol.
Why doth the Prince loue him so then?
1268:
Fal.
Because their Legges are both of a bignesse: and
1269: hee playes at Quoits well, and eates Conger and Fennell,
1270: and drinkes off Candles ends for Flap-dragons, and rides
1271: the wilde-Mare with the Boyes, and iumpes vpon Ioyn'd-stooles,
1272: and sweares with a good grace, and weares his
1273: Boot very smooth, like vnto the Signe of the Legge; and
1274: breedes no bate with telling of discreete stories: and such
1275: other Gamboll Faculties hee hath, that shew a weake
1276: Minde, and an able Body, for the which the Prince admits
1277: him; for the Prince himselfe is such another: the
1278: weight of an hayre will turne the Scales betweene their
1279: Haber-de-pois.
1280:
Prince.
Would not this Naue of a Wheele haue his
1281: Eares cut off?
1282:
Poin.
Let vs beat him before his Whore.
1283:
Prince.
Looke, if the wither'd Elder hath not his Poll
1284: claw'd like a Parrot.
1285:
Poin.
Is it not strange, that Desire should so many
1286: yeeres out-liue performance?
1287:
Fal.
Kisse me Dol.
1288:
Prince.
Saturne and Venus this yeere in Coniunction?
1289: What sayes the Almanack to that?
1290:
Poin.
And looke whether the fierie Trigon, his Man,
1291: be not lisping to his Masters old Tables, his Note-Booke,
1292: his Councell-keeper?
1293:
Fal.
Thou do'st giue me flatt'ring Busses.
1294:
Dol.
Nay truely, I kisse thee with a most constant
1295: heart.
1296:
Fal.
I am olde, I am olde.
1297:
Dol.
I loue thee better, then I loue ere a scuruie young
1298: Boy of them all.
1299:
Fal.
What Stuffe wilt thou haue a Kirtle of? I shall
1300: receiue Money on Thursday: thou shalt haue a Cappe
1301: to morrow. A merrie Song, come: it growes late,
1302: wee will to Bed. Thou wilt forget me, when I am
1303: gone.
1304:
Dol.
Thou wilt set me a weeping, if thou say'st so:
1305: proue that euer I dresse my selfe handsome, till thy re-turne:
1306: well, hearken the end.
1307:
Fal.
Some Sack, Francis.
1308:
Prin. Poin.
Anon, anon, Sir.
1309:
Fal.
Ha? a Bastard Sonne of the Kings? And art not
1310: thou Poines, his Brother?
1311:
Prince.
Why thou Globe of sinfull Continents, what
1312: a life do'st thou lead?
1313:
Fal.
A better then thou: I am a Gentleman, thou art
1314: a Drawer.
1315:
Prince.
Very true, Sir: and I come to draw you out
1316: by the Eares.
1317:
Host.
Oh, the Lord preserue thy good Grace: Wel-come
1318: to London. Now Heauen blesse that sweete Face
1319: of thine: what, are you come from Wales?
1320:
Fal.
Thou whorson mad Compound of Maiestie: by
1321: this light Flesh, and corrupt Blood, thou art welcome.
1322:
Dol.
How? you fat Foole, I scorne you.
1323:
Poin.
My Lord, hee will driue you out of your re-uenge,
1324: and turne all to a merryment, if you take not the
1325: heat.
1326:
Prince.
You whorson Candle-myne you, how vildly
1327: did you speake of me euen now, before this honest, ver-tuous,
1328: ciuill Gentlewoman?
1329:
Host.
'Blessing on your good heart, and so shee is by
1330: my troth.
1331:
Fal.
Didst thou heare me?
1332:
Prince.
Yes: and you knew me, as you did when you
1333: ranne away by Gads-hill: you knew I was at your back,
1334: and spoke it on purpose, to trie my patience.
1335:
Fal.
No, no, no: not so: I did not thinke, thou wast
1336: within hearing.
1337:
Prince.
I shall driue you then to confesse the wilfull
1338: abuse, and then I know how to handle you.
1339:
Fal.
No abuse (Hall) on mine Honor, no abuse.
1340:
Prince.
Not to disprayse me? and call me Pantler, and
1341: Bread-chopper, and I know not what?
1342:
Fal.
No abuse (Hal.)
1343:
Poin.
No abuse?
1344:
Fal.
No abuse (Ned) in the World: honest Ned none.
1345: I disprays'd him before the Wicked, that the Wicked
1346: might not fall in loue with him: In which doing, I haue
1347: done the part of a carefull Friend, and a true Subiect, and
1348: thy Father is to giue me thankes for it. No abuse (Hal:)
1349: none (Ned) none; no Boyes, none.
1350:
Prince.
See now whether pure Feare, and entire Cow-ardise,
1351: doth not make thee wrong this vertuous Gentle-woman,
1352: to close with vs? Is shee of the Wicked? Is thine
1353: Hostesse heere, of the Wicked? Or is the Boy of the
1354: Wicked? Or honest Bardolph (whose Zeale burnes in his
1355: Nose) of the Wicked?
1356:
Poin.
Answere thou dead Elme, answere.
1357:
Fal.
The Fiend hath prickt downe Bardolph irrecoue-rable,
1358: and his Face is Lucifers Priuy-Kitchin, where hee
1359: doth nothing but rost Mault-Wormes: for the Boy,
1360: there is a good Angell about him, but the Deuill out-bids
1361: him too.
1362:
Prince.
For the Women?
1363:
Fal.
For one of them, shee is in Hell alreadie, and
1364: burnes poore Soules: for the other, I owe her Mo-ney;
1365: and whether shee bee damn'd for that, I know
1366: not.
1367:
Host.
No, I warrant you.
1368:
Fal.
No, I thinke thou art not: I thinke thou art quit
1369: for that. Marry, there is another Indictment vpon thee,
1370: for suffering flesh to bee eaten in thy house, contrary to
1371: the Law, for the which I thinke thou wilt howle.
1372:
Host.
All Victuallers doe so: What is a Ioynt of
1373: Mutton, or two, in a whole Lent?
1374:
Prince.
You, Gentlewoman.
1375:
Dol.
What sayes your Grace?
1376:
Falst.
His Grace sayes that, which his flesh rebells
1377: against.
1378:
Host.
Who knocks so lowd at doore? Looke to the
1379: doore there, Francis?
1380: [ Enter Peto.]
1381:
Prince.
Peto, how now? what newes?
1382:
Peto.
The King, your Father, is at Westminster,
1383: And there are twentie weake and wearied Postes,
1384: Come from the North: and as I came along,
1385: I met, and ouer-tooke a dozen Captaines,
1386: Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the Tauernes,
1387: And asking euery one for Sir Iohn Falstaffe.
1388:
Prince.
By Heauen (Poines) I feele me much to blame,
1389: So idly to prophane the precious time,
1390: When Tempest of Commotion, like the South,
1391: Borne with black Vapour, doth begin to melt,
1392: And drop vpon our bare vnarmed heads.
1393: Giue me my Sword, and Cloake:
1394: Falstaffe, good night. [ Exit.]
1395:
Falst.
Now comes in the sweetest Morsell of the
1396: night, and wee must hence, and leaue it vnpickt. More
1397: knocking at the doore? How now? what's the mat-ter?
1398: _
1399:
Bard.
You must away to Court, Sir, presently,
1400: A dozen Captaines stay at doore for you.
1401:
Falst.
Pay the Musitians, Sirrha: farewell Hostesse,
1402: farewell Dol. You see (my good Wenches) how men of
1403: Merit are sought after: the vndeseruer may sleepe, when
1404: the man of Action is call'd on. Farewell good Wenches:
1405: if I be not sent away poste, I will see you againe, ere I
1406: goe.
1407:
Dol.
I cannot speake: if my heart bee not readie
1408: to burst=== Well (sweete Iacke) haue a care of thy
1409: selfe.
1410:
Falst
Farewell, farewell.
[Exit.]
1411:
Host.
Well, fare thee well: I haue knowne thee
1412: these twentie nine yeeres, come Pescod-time: but an
1413: honester, and truer-hearted man=== Well, fare thee
1414: well.
1415:
Bard.
Mistris Teare-sheet.
1416:
Host.
What's the matter?
1417:
Bard.
Bid Mistris Teare-sheet come to my Master.
1418:
Host.
Oh runne Dol, runne: runne, good Dol.
1419: [ Exeunt.]
Act III