Shakespeare, William, 1564-1616. The Merry Wives of Windsor (1623 First Folio Edition)
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Scene ii
1898: Scena Secunda.
1899: [ Enter Falstoffe, Mist. Ford, Mist. Page, Seruants, Ford,
Page, Caius, Euans, Shallow]
1901:
Fal.
Mi[stris]. Ford, Your sorrow hath eaten vp my suffe-rance;
1902: I see you are obsequious in your loue, and I pro-fesse
1903: requitall to a haires bredth, not onely Mist[ris]. Ford,
1904: in the simple office of loue, but in all the accustrement,
1905: complement, and ceremony of it: But are you sure of
1906: your husband now?
1907:
Mis.Ford.
Hee's a birding (sweet Sir Iohn.)
1908:
Mis.Page.
What hoa, gossip Ford: what hoa.
1909:
Mis.Ford.
Step into th' chamber, Sir Iohn.
1910:
Mis.Page.
How now (sweete heart) whose at home
1911: besides your selfe?
1912:
Mis.Ford.
Why none but mine owne people.
1913:
Mis.Page.
Indeed?
1914:
Mis.Ford.
No certainly: Speake louder.
1915:
Mist.Pag.
Truly, I am so glad you haue no body here.
1916:
Mist.Ford.
Why?
1917:
Mis.Page.
Why woman, your husband is in his olde
1918: lines againe: he so takes on yonder with my husband, so
1919: railes against all married mankinde; so curses all Eues
1920: daughters, of what complexion soeuer; and so buffettes
1921: himselfe on the for-head: crying peere-out, peere-out,
1922: that any madnesse I euer yet beheld, seem'd but tame-nesse,
1923: ciuility, and patience to this his distemper he is in
1924: now: I am glad the fat Knight is not heere.
1925:
Mist.Ford.
Why, do's he talke of him?
1926:
Mist.Page.
Of none but him, and sweares he was ca-ried
1927: out the last time hee search'd for him, in a Basket:
1928: Protests to my husband he is now heere, & hath drawne
1929: him and the rest of their company from their sport, to
1930: make another experiment of his suspition: But I am glad
1931: the Knight is not heere; now he shall see his owne foo-lerie.
1932: _
1933:
Mist.Ford.
How neere is he Mistris Page?
1934:
Mist.Pag.
Hard by, at street end; he wil be here anon.
1935:
Mist.Ford.
I am vndone, the Knight is heere.
1936:
Mist.Page.
Why then you are vtterly sham'd, & hee's
1937: but a dead man. What a woman are you? Away with
1938: him, away with him: Better shame, then murther.
1939:
Mist.Ford.
Which way should he go? How should I
1940: bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket againe?
1941:
Fal.
No, Ile come no more i'th Basket:
1942: May I not go out ere he come?
1943:
Mist.Page.
Alas: three of Mr. Fords brothers watch
1944: the doore with Pistols, that none shall issue out: other-wise
1945: you might slip away ere hee came: But what make
1946: you heere?
1947:
Fal.
What shall I do? Ile creepe vp into the chimney.
1948:
Mist.Ford.
There they alwaies vse to discharge their
1949: Birding-peeces: creepe into the Kill-hole.
1950:
Fal.
Where is it?
1951:
Mist.Ford.
He will seeke there on my word: Neyther
1952: Presse, Coffer, Chest, Trunke, Well, Vault, but he hath
1953: an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes
1954: to them by his Note: There is no hiding you in the
1955: house.
1956:
Fal.
Ile go out then.
1957:
Mist.Ford.
If you goe out in your owne semblance,
1958: you die Sir Iohn, vnlesse you go out disguis'd.
1959:
Mist.Ford.
How might we disguise him?
1960:
Mist.Page.
Alas the day I know not, there is no wo-mans
1961: gowne bigge enough for him: otherwise he might
1962: put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchiefe, and so escape.
1963:
Fal.
Good hearts, deuise something: any extremitie,
1964: rather then a mischiefe.
1965:
Mist.Ford.
My Maids Aunt the fat woman of Brain-ford,
1966: has a gowne aboue.
1967:
Mist.Page.
On my word it will serue him: shee's as
1968: big as he is: and there's her thrum'd hat, and her muffler
1969: too: run vp Sir Iohn.
1970:
Mist.Ford.
Go, go, sweet Sir Iohn: Mistris Page and
1971: I will looke some linnen for your head.
1972:
Mist.Page.
Quicke, quicke, wee'le come dresse you
1973: straight: put on the gowne the while.
1974:
Mist.Ford.
I would my husband would meete him
1975: in this shape: he cannot abide the old woman of Brain-ford;
1976: he sweares she's a witch, forbad her my house, and
1977: hath threatned to beate her.
1978:
Mist.Page.
Heauen guide him to thy husbands cud-gell:
1979: and the diuell guide his cudgell afterwards.
1980:
Mist.Ford.
But is my husband comming?
1981:
Mist.Page.
I in good sadnesse is he, and talkes of the
1982: basket too, howsoeuer he hath had intelligence.
1983:
Mist.Ford.
Wee'l try that: for Ile appoint my men to
1984: carry the basket againe, to meete him at the doore with
1985: it, as they did last time.
1986:
Mist.Page.
Nay, but hee'l be heere presently: let's go
1987: dresse him like the witch of Brainford.
1988:
Mist.Ford.
Ile first direct my men, what they
1989: shall doe with the basket: Goe vp, Ile bring linnen for
1990: him straight.
1991:
Mist.Page.
Hang him dishonest Varlet,
1992: We cannot misuse enough:
1993: We'll leaue a proofe by that which we will doo,
1994: Wiues may be merry, and yet honest too:
1995: We do not acte that often, iest, and laugh,
1996: 'Tis old, but true, Still Swine eats all the draugh.
1997:
Mist.Ford.
Go Sirs, take the basket againe on your
1998: shoulders: your Master is hard at doore: if hee bid you
1999: set it downe, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
2000:
1 Ser.
Come, come, take it vp.
2001:
2 Ser.
Pray heauen it be not full of Knight againe.
2002:
1 Ser.
I hope not, I had liefe as beare so much lead.
2003:
Ford.
I, but if it proue true (Mr. Page) haue you any
2004: way then to vnfoole me againe. Set downe the basket
2005: villaine: some body call my wife: Youth in a basket:
2006: Oh you Panderly Rascals, there's a knot: a gin, a packe,
2007: a conspiracie against me: Now shall the diuel be sham'd.
2008: What wife I say: Come, come forth: behold what ho-nest
2009: cloathes you send forth to bleaching.
2010:
Page.
Why, this passes M[aster]. Ford: you are not to goe
2011: loose any longer, you must be pinnion'd.
2012:
Euans.
Why, this is Lunaticks: this is madde, as a
2013: mad dogge.
2014:
Shall.
Indeed M[aster]. Ford, this is not well indeed.
2015:
Ford.
So say I too Sir, come hither Mistris Ford, Mi-stris
2016: Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the vertu-ous
2017: creature, that hath the iealious foole to her husband:
2018: I suspect without cause (Mistris) do I?
2019:
Mist.Ford.
Heauen be my witnesse you doe, if you
2020: suspect me in any dishonesty.
2021:
Ford.
Well said Brazon-face, hold it out: Come forth
2022: sirrah.
2023:
Page.
This passes.
2024:
Mist.Ford.
Are you not asham'd, let the cloths alone.
2025:
Ford.
I shall finde you anon.
2026:
Eua.
'Tis vnreasonable; will you take vp your wiues
2027: cloathes? Come, away.
2028:
Ford.
Empty the basket I say.
2029:
M.Ford.
Why man, why?
2030:
Ford.
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one con-uay'd
2031: out of my house yesterday in this basket: why
2032: may not he be there againe, in my house I am sure he is:
2033: my Intelligence is true, my iealousie is reasonable, pluck
2034: me out all the linnen.
2035:
Mist.Ford.
If you find a man there, he shall dye a Fleas
2036: death.
2037:
Page.
Heer's no man.
2038:
Shal.
By my fidelity this is not well Mr. Ford: This
2039: wrongs you.
2040:
Euans.
Mr Ford, you must pray, and not follow the
2041: imaginations of your owne heart: this is iealousies.
2042:
Ford.
Well, hee's not heere I seeke for.
2043:
Page.
No, nor no where else but in your braine.
2044:
Ford.
Helpe to search my house this one time: if I find
2045: not what I seeke, shew no colour for my extremity: Let
2046: me for euer be your Table-sport: Let them say of me, as
2047: iealous as Ford, that search'd a hollow Wall-nut for his
2048: wiues Lemman. Satisfie me once more, once more serch
2049: with me.
2050:
M.Ford.
What hoa (Mistris Page,) come you and
2051: the old woman downe: my husband will come into the
2052: Chamber.
2053:
Ford.
Old woman? what old womans that?
2054:
M.Ford.
Why it is my maids Aunt of Brainford.
2055:
Ford.
A witch, a Queane, an olde couzening queane:
2056: Haue I not forbid her my house. She comes of errands
2057: do's she? We are simple men, wee doe not know what's
2058: brought to passe vnder the profession of Fortune-telling.
2059: She workes by Charmes, by Spels, by th' Figure, & such
2060: dawbry as this is, beyond our Element: wee know no-thing.
2061: Come downe you Witch, you Hagge you, come
2062: downe I say.
2063:
Mist.Ford.
Nay, good sweet husband, good Gentle-men,
2064: let him strike the old woman.
2065:
Mist.Page.
Come mother Prat, Come giue me your
2066: hand.
2067:
Ford.
Ile Prat-her: Out of my doore, you Witch,
2068: you Ragge, you Baggage, you Poulcat, you Runnion,
2069: out, out: Ile coniure you, Ile fortune-tell you.
2070:
Mist.Page.
Are you not asham'd?
2071: I thinke you haue kill'd the poore woman.
2072:
Mist.Ford.
Nay he will do it, 'tis a goodly credite
2073: for you.
2074:
Ford.
Hang her witch.
2075:
Eua.
By yea, and no, I thinke the o'man is a witch in-deede:
2076: I like not when a o'man has a great peard; I spie
2077: a great peard vnder his muffler.
2078:
Ford.
Will you follow Gentlemen, I beseech you fol-low:
2079: see but the issue of my iealousie: If I cry out thus
2080: vpon no traile, neuer trust me when I open againe.
2081:
Page.
Let's obey his humour a little further:
2082: Come Gentlemen.
2083:
Mist.Page.
Trust me he beate him most pittifully.
2084:
Mist.Ford.
Nay by th' Masse that he did not: he beate
2085: him most vnpittifully, me thought.
2086:
Mist.Page.
Ile haue the cudgell hallow'd, and hung
2087: ore the Altar, it hath done meritorious seruice.
2088:
Mist.Ford.
What thinke you? May we with the war-rant
2089: of woman-hood, and the witnesse of a good consci-ence,
2090: pursue him with any further reuenge?
2091:
M.Page.
The spirit of wantonnesse is sure scar'd out
2092: of him, if the diuell haue him not in fee-simple, with
2093: fine and recouery, he will neuer (I thinke) in the way of
2094: waste, attempt vs againe.
2095:
Mist.Ford.
Shall we tell our husbands how wee haue
2096: seru'd him?
2097:
Mist.Page.
Yes, by all meanes: if it be but to scrape
2098: the figures out of your husbands braines: if they can find
2099: in their hearts, the poore vnuertuous fat Knight shall be
2100: any further afflicted, wee two will still bee the mini-sters.
2101: _
2102:
Mist.Ford.
Ile warrant, they'l haue him publiquely
2103: sham'd, and me thinkes there would be no period to the
2104: iest, should he not be publikely sham'd.
2105:
Mist.Page.
Come, to the Forge with it, then shape it:
2106: I would not haue things coole. [ Exeunt]